Taking off the bullshit mask

(I am doing this madness for her, because she deserves better)

I never asked for any of this. I was doing quite alright in life considering my weird brain. I was able (I thought) to appear as a normal human being. A service to my community as a chef, and while shy, and a touch odd, I am pretty kind and loving. I valued my privacy, just as any modern SANE woman should.

And yet, here I am. My name is Emma Roach and I made my real identity known online in an attempt to stay alive.

I now feel so invisible, I am ambivalent about being murdered. I don't know why that's funny to me. Maybe that's what's kept me alive? Dark humour, and how absurd my fucking life has become. My Facebook (under Em Zuckerborg) goes into all the shit that's happened to me if you can be arsed. Briefly, I was stalked, hacked, filmed without my consent, stolen from, and had attempts made on my stupid life.

What triggered me being attacked over and over is a combination of good old dirty money, and the fact that I'm neurodivergent and talented. That I'm a bit left wing (but not in the fake Keir way) That I'm a woman, that I can't be bought, and that I dared to walk away from abusive people.

Now... being vulnerable. It's an interesting one isn't it? Where's the line? When I did my first batch of therapy I was introduced to Brené Brown and her The power of vulnerability TED talk. Extremely helpful I found it. It's definitely aimed at white middle class women like me. Absolute bang on target market. I decided to go to college, become a chef, and stop being an anxious wreck hiding in my three bed semi. (I had been depressed for 8 years, and had my own Homer dint in the sofa that became my daily spot to lay on) It took a lot for me to do that. To leave my safe happy gilded cage and get my fat arse moving in a hot kitchen. Brené Brown was part of the reason I felt like I had to try.

What Brené doesn't tell you, (maybe because she's white and middle class and surrounded by nice normal twats) is that you should check that there are not horrible cunts in the room before you start showing your inner flower. I am a bit of a moron I think it's fair to say, and I was being fully myself without worrying about the company I was in. To some extent, I think it's also fair to say that I am STILL DOING THAT. I don't disagree with Brené, but being authentic can sometimes attract the wrong sort of attention. Not everyone is fucking nice. You just don't expect it to also be your family too.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL is all I'm saying, but I hold strong to that the true fact that EVERYONE should feel like they can live authentically and without fear.

When you live true to yourself, with YOUR ethics, and your actual real opinions, it's fucking great. When you stop being a doormat to the bad guys you're free to spend your spare time doing things you love. For you! I know, radical.

I am using art and my comedy to try and alleviate the damage that has been done to my life. I want to help others who have been abused or made to feel invisible. I think that's a worthwhile enough reason to live.

Taking off the mask sometimes means you have to walk away from people in your life. If those people cared about you in any real way, they wouldn't want you to wear a mask.

That is all.